January 10th, 2012
utnereader

gq:

These Two Guys Explain
How To Survive The Apocalypse

If you believe the Mayans, 2012 marks the End of Days. But post-apocalyptic life ain’t so bad if you do it right. With scotch. And weed. And lots of animal abuse. In this GQ exclusive, Parks and Recreation’s Nick Offerman and Chris Pratt show us how to persevere. There are 12 steps. The first three are below. The rest are here.

1
Fill the tub with water. For this tub, as well as the contents of your hot-water heater, will be your drinking supply. Fill the sinks with scotch—and cover, obviously.

2 
If there’s any looting to be done, focus on marijuana dispensaries. If you don’t live in California, that’s too bad. We have marijuana dispensaries.

3 
Assemble a posse of hooligan underlings, choosing a mix of muscular physiques and corpulent ones. Harvest fat from the chubbies and cook the muscular folks in it. When the fatties run out of cellulite to harvest, they are now prime, lean cooking specimens. Obviously you’ll need to be fattening up new “team members” as you go, perpetuating the savory cycle.

Listen up, folks.

Reblogged from The GQ Tumblr
409 notes
  1. scoobiesandboobies reblogged this from gq
  2. holytornado reblogged this from gq
  3. nilog reblogged this from gq
  4. zissooland reblogged this from gq
  5. arestlessidealism reblogged this from revision-and
  6. honestyshmonesty reblogged this from gq
  7. hurttinthehall reblogged this from gq
  8. nvmdillstaydehydrated reblogged this from gq
  9. littletorpedo reblogged this from gq
  10. everythingisacasestudy reblogged this from utnereader
  11. climbingcowboy reblogged this from gq
  12. tomorrowmemoirs reblogged this from gq
  13. justyouraveragemixedupgirl reblogged this from gq
  14. adultpropaganda reblogged this from gq
  15. willienelsononlysmokeskillerweed reblogged this from gq
  16. scrotum-philllips reblogged this from gq
  17. brooklyn-ls reblogged this from gq
  18. teadavison reblogged this from mariahbeard
  19. mspmag reblogged this from utnereader
  20. bohemianredneck reblogged this from religionisbullshit
  21. ktleezy reblogged this from jonathankimchi
  22. jonathankimchi reblogged this from alyssasthinking
  23. alyssasthinking reblogged this from gq
  24. teeeroystumbla reblogged this from gq
  25. hablehdiddybleh reblogged this from eclecticallyspeaking
  26. daydreamntn reblogged this from gq
  27. jenpls reblogged this from megkeezy
  28. ahyunk reblogged this from gq
  29. laminate-the-stasis reblogged this from gq
  30. msfresh89 reblogged this from gq
  31. eissacdn31rf reblogged this from mysteriousbruises
Loading tweets...

@UtneReader

Liked

Not right, not left, but forward thinking, Utne Reader combs the alternative, independent, and digital press for thoughtful journalism, artful storytelling, and emerging ideas.

Following